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26May

The Middletons were NOT amused! Ten Tips for Justin Johanssen’s–and your–NEXT best man’s speech

Posted by: Marsha Zinberg Categories: communication creativity events public speaking relationships social occasions Speechwriting Uncategorized Weddings
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The whole word was watching last weekend when Justin Johanssen really stepped in it.

The best friend, and best man of James Matthews, Pippa Middleton’s new husband, delivered an off-color, tasteless and offensive speech at the almost-royal wedding that was likely intended to be funny. But apparently, his banter was not well-received. The upper-crust crowd at the Middleton’s mansion in Bucklebury, Berkshire, sat in grim-faced silence as Justin reeled off quips that went from bad to worse the longer he dominated the microphone.

If a best man’s speech is in your future this year, it might be helpful for a refresher on what’s expected of you.

First, if you have been chosen to serve as someone’s best man at an upcoming wedding, that’s because someone considers you to be the BEST person for the job.  And with honour comes responsibility.

Just be thankful we’ve come a way since the good ol’ days. Back then, the original duty of a “best man” was to serve as armed backup for the groom, in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. The “best” part of that title refers to his skill with a sword, should the need arise. You wouldn’t want the “just okay” member of your weapon-wielding posse accompanying you when you set out to steal yourself a wife, would you?

The best man would stand guard next to the groom right up through the exchange of vows–and later, outside the newlyweds’ bedroom door– just in case anyone should decide to attack, or a skittish bride should try to make a run for it.

Huns, Goths and Visigoths are said to have taken so many brides by force that they kept a cache of weapons stored beneath the floorboards of churches for convenience.

So, nowadays, no swordsmanship or weaponry skills required. But you do have the duty to have the groom’s back on his special day. That said, certain obligations you’re expected to fulfill are just common sense.  No need to tell you to show up on time, be of good cheer, be helpful, serve as a go-fer if necessary, keep the rings safe, calm a jittery groom, etc.

But when it comes to delivering your best man’s speech, or toasting the happy couple, it’s deceptively easy not to measure up to your duties if you disregard some obvious pitfalls:

  1. Best to avoid mentioning exes- -especially if you’ve had a previous relationship with the bride…or the groom!
  2. This is not YOUR day. So try not to upstage the groom—or anyone else in the wedding party.
  3. Remember, this is not a “guys-night-out” type of audience, so not the venue to insult/demean/bad-mouth the groom.  Johannsen’s quip about “buttock-clenching” during the first dance was rather lewd for an audience of society guests.
  4. Resist the urge to respond to hecklers argumentatively. It won’t end well!
  5. Many people are not naturally funny, so don’t try to be a comedian if you’re not one.  Johannsen’s honeymoon joke about “going to Bangor for two weeks” was crude, and in bad taste. Sincerity trumps subjective humor  and questionable taste every time.
  6. Not the time to speak negatively about the bride, or the future in-laws. Yes, there is some debate about whether Johanssen ACTUALLY compared Pippa to the groom’s pet spaniel, Raffa. But really, why go there at all?  Pippa was a beautiful bride, and every bride in the universe works hard to look her best on the most important day of her life, so why ruin it, even if only in jest?
  7. Someone has put their trust in you: the groom may have told you things in private he does not wish to share with everyone he knows best in the world! Keep his confidences! And watch your language!  Johanssen’s implications about gay bars and “lads’ nights out” could have been dispensed with.
  8. Even though you have a close relationship with the bride and groom, resist the urge to pepper your speech with inside jokes. The remaining 99% of the audience, who are not in the know, will not appreciate this.
  9. Avoid giving advice in areas in which you have no expertise: if you’re single, no sage words about “handling” a spouse; if you’re not a parent, no lessons on how to raise a child!
  10. Rehearse! Rehearse! Rehearse! No winging it. You have been entrusted with an honour. You’ll be thankful if you can acquit yourself honorably by preparing a speech or toast that you can deliver confidently and sincerely.

Oh, and one for the road.  You know this already.   Don’t drink too much before you deliver that speech, not to relax, not because you’re sure you know it well enough.  NOT FOR ANY REASON. Save the shots for later, once your formal duties have been performed! Then you can have one for the road! (But then you can’t drive!!)

Though Johanssen might be maintaining a stiff upper lip about the reaction to his speech, which received global negative press, his bad taste and bad judgement will not soon be forgotten.  Don’t pull a Justin Johanssen if you’re delivering a best man’s speech.  Put your best foot forward instead!

If you have your own cringe-worthy examples of inappropriate best man behavior—word or deed—that you’d like to share, we’d love to hear them!

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26Apr

How to Have a Great Conversation: Listen Up!

Posted by: Marsha Zinberg Categories: communication conversation language listening memoir writing novels public speaking relationships social occasions story development storytelling
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It’s not a secret:  the best conversationalists are rarely the ones with their mouths open.

Your wittiest friends likely have great powers of observation, and those people you most admire because they always seem to know the perfect thing to say probably really said very little in those sparkling conversations you are recalling so vividly in your mind.

Celeste Headlee recently delivered a lively and straightforward TED talk offering tips for having a great conversation.  I liked her reminders because they draw on her background as an interviewer, and the skills she’s naturally developed in that area and plumbed for her talk are the sort that are invaluable for anyone taking on a writing project, from a three-minute speech or presentation to a full-length novel or memoir.  Check it out here:

Many of her tips revolve around the art of listening well—in fact, this is the skill she herself deems most important. And of course, she’s right.  We learn nothing when we are speaking, or interrupting, or mindlessly parroting back the exact words we think we just heard.  Active listening involves not just hearing, but seeing, and interpreting as well.  Excellent listeners tend to…

  1. Clarify what they hear the other person say, often by paraphrasing in their own words, after a response like, “let me be sure I understood you correctly.…”
  2. Interpret what they hear, and respond with an explanation of the implications of the information they’ve just gathered.
  3. Avoid the outdated advice of the 1970’s “active listening” model, in which people simply repeat back exactly what they’ve just heard, since this often causes the listener to miss the true point of the speaker.
  4. Validate what they hear. They receive the input with respect and enthusiasm, even if they don’t necessarily agree with it, maintaining the speaker’s dignity by demonstrating that they are engaged and attentive to what’s being said.
  5. Resist the temptation to interrupt. It’s human nature to want to put yourself and your ideas into the equation, by relating your own similar experiences. Don’t do it.  It’s not as important as you think, and will stop the flow of the speaker’s train of thought. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is convinced that, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
  6. Master body language cues—both given and received! Empathetic listeners will often mimic a speaker’s body language to demonstrate that they’ve tuned in to the spoken message by furrowing a brow, lowering their eyes, or tilting their head in concert with the speaker. They also give the speaker direct eye contact during the majority of the conversation, and lean forward to show they are engaged and interested.  They tend to turn their bodies toward the speaker, and nod their heads, as the message unfolds. Interestingly, women apparently nod their heads whether or not they agree with the speaker’s message, so some men may assume that a woman agrees with them when she actually doesn’t if she overdoes the nodding!
  7. Ask open-ended questions. You don’t want to pose questions that can be simply answered by a yes or no if your goal is to encourage deeper communication. Questions that require some interpretation, such as “what do you think was meant by that?” or “How did that affect your thinking?” are great for probing deeper. Your objective should always be to get the speaker to talk as much as possible.

“The art of conversation lies in listening.” Malcolm Forbes said that.  I’ll bet Celeste Headlee would agree.  I know I do.

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22May

Ten Things A Best Man Shouldn’t Say….or Do!

Posted by: Marsha Zinberg Categories: communication language relationships social occasions Speechwriting Weddings Writing
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Let’s get back to basics here for a moment. If you have been chosen to serve as someone’s best man at an upcoming wedding, that’s because someone considers you to be the BEST person for the job.  With honour comes responsibility, folks.

Just be thankful we’ve come a ways since the good ol’ days. Back then, the original duty of a “best man” was apparently to serve as armed backup for the groom in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. The “best” part of that title refers to his skill with a sword, should the need arise. (You wouldn’t want the “just okay” member of your weapon-wielding posse accompanying you when you set out to steal yourself a wife, would you?)

The best man would stand guard next to the groom right up through the exchange of vows (and later, outside the newlyweds’ bedroom door), just in case anyone should decide to attack or a skittish bride should try to make a run for it.

Huns, Goths and Visigoths are said to have taken so many brides by force that they kept a cache of weapons stored beneath the floorboards of churches for convenience.

So, nowadays, no swordsmanship or weaponry skills required. But you do have the duty of having the groom’s back on his special day, That said, certain obligations you’re expected to fulfill are just common sense.  No need to tell you to show up on time, be of good cheer, be helpful, serve as as a go-fer if necessary, keep the rings safe, calm a jittery groom, etc.

However, sometimes less obvious are pitfalls to avoid–particularly when you are delivering your “best man speech’ and/or toasting the happy couple. Here’s a quick list of Danger! Beware! ‘s that I recommend:

  1. Don’t mention exes (especially if you’ve had a previous relationship with the bride…or the groom!)
  2. Don’t try to upstage the groom (or anyone else for that matter)
  3. Don’t insult/demean/bad-mouth the groom (though gentle teasing is ok.) This is NOT a roast!
  4. Don’t respond to hecklers argumentatively.
  5. Don’t try to be funny if you’re not. Sincerity trumps subjective humor every time.
  6. Don’t speak negatively about the future in-laws.
  7. Don’t reveal confidences: the groom may have told you things in private he does not wish to share with everyone he knows best in the world!
  8. Don’t take advantage of your close relationship with the bride and groom by peppering your speech with inside jokes. The remaining 99% of the audience will not appreciate this.
  9. Don’t give advice in areas in which you have no expertise: if you’re single, no sage words about “handling” a spouse; if you’re not a parent, no lessons on how to raise a child!
  10. Don’t, under any circumstances, “wing it.” You have been entrusted with an honour. And you need to acquit yourself honorably by preparing a speech or toast AND practising it beforehand so you can deliver it confidently and sincerely.

Oh, and one for the road.  You know this.  I KNOW you know this.  Don’t drink too much before you deliver that speech.  Save the shots for later, once your formal duties have been performed!

Do you have your own “bewares” for the best man?  Do you have your own cringe-worthy examples of inappropriate best man behavior—word or deed—that you’d like to share?  We’d love to hear them!

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